A small P1Harmony fanfic. TW: suicidal thoughts and self harm! This is also posted to my Ao3 acc!
It was a normal Sunday. They didn’t have a schedule, but Soul and Keeho were the only ones in their dorm. The other members were away for a walk through a garden. It was a special event that day. Once every year the local gardening community raises money to children’s schools this way.
If Soul had ever thought about committing suicide, it was his own business. What he didn’t expect was to Keeho ask him if he ever seriously thought about it.
”Shota, have you ever had thoughts of dying? I mean like seriously and not like, ‘Haha I wanna die.’”
The question confused Soul very much. It's not something you just randomly ask people. He was worried about his friend. Why would Keeho ask something like that?
The clock was ticking in the background. The mat under him was soft but cold. He was sitting there because the bed was occupied by his fellow member, Keeho.
“No, no, of course not. As you can see, I'm here.”
Soul saw how unbelieving Keeho was. It was a lie, but Keeho didn’t need to know that. Soul had a planned day, but it’s in about half a year from now.
Keeho shifted a bit on Soul’s bed where he was thinking. They had been hanging out in Soul’s room a lot lately, because Keeho’s room heater was acting up – once there was almost 27°C (80.6°F) in his room. Other times the temperature has dropped to as low as 15 (59) degrees.
“I don’t believe you,” was all that Keeho said. Keeho, as the leader and a friend, knew that Soul had his own share of hardships. They were in a lie detector a few weeks prior, and when Soul was asked “Do you think you are very special?”, Soul’s answer was negative; the others grew more worried about the little alien in their group.
“Just like... could you answer your true answer?” Keeho pressed again. The air was sucked from the boy’s lungs. He tapped his fingers to the blue mat where he was sitting. “My heart hurts when I see you hurting alone.”
Soul’s reply was anything else but easy, “I just want to be excited for tomorrow.”
The scared boy looked up from his hands and met Keeho’s gaze. The tears that welled up in Soul’s eyes were fragile.
Tilting his head, Keeho suggested, “Oh, Shota, come here. It’s okay. I’ve got this. Cry all you want. Don’t be embarrassed.”
The said boy got up from the cold floor and sat next to Keeho, leaning his head over the other’s shoulder. Keeho stroked Soul's head and whispered comforting words. That truly helped the crying boy.
“I want to die.” Time seemed to pass too quickly, and tears returned to Soul's eyes. A quiet whimpering made its way back. Keeho fought back his own tears.
“No, I may be selfish now, but I can’t let you die. I can’t watch you quietly hurt yourself when I have the option to help you. Shota, please let me help you through this.” Keeho affirmed. He took the other’s trembling hand into his own hands and began to smooth it.
“I have already hurt myself, more than you know.” Soul mumbled and continued, “You don’t even care about me.”
“Oh Shota. I care about you so much. Can you please show me where you hurt yourself?”
Soul thought for a while before continuing to fidget with his fingers. The nails were painted green, and they had a little bit of glitter on them. “Arms, mainly.”
“Could I see them, just to make sure that they won’t cause any serious issues?” Keeho's voice was gentle and not at all scary to Soul's ears. He could tell his darkest secrets without Keeho laughing at his pathetic lies.
After Keeho made sure to have every newer cut bandaged and properly washed, the duo went to the kitchen. Quickly the others came in too and began to explain about the flowers that bloomed beautifully. Intak took something from behind his back – a sparklingly gorgeous flower.
“Is- is that for me?” Soul asked in disbelief when Intak handed it to him. The cuteness on Soul’s face was something that the others hoped to see more.
“Yeah, take it. The little birds sang that you didn’t have an easy day today and this flower looks just like you. No, now I know; you are even prettier than it.” Intak added before hugging the very touched boy. Soul noticed that the others were extra sweet to him, and he was glad about that. He longed for warmth and care. Soul didn't know what Keeho had told others, but he wasn't worried that Keeho had revealed too much. Keeho knew how careful Soul was about his own personal matters.
The bandages that were partly visible under Soul’s sleeves didn’t go unnoticed by the others, but they didn’t comment anything about them.
When they were finally eating a well-deserved meal, Theo made sure to feed Soul lots of tasty lasagna.
Of course, after they all had eaten, they went to the living room and played games. It was understandable that no one wanted to leave Seoul alone with his own thoughts. Sometimes he scratched his arms through his clothes because they were itchy, but other than that, he was more than okay. He was surrounded with his family, and the stone had been rolled away from his heart.
Jiung and Jongseob approached Soul with UNO cards in their hands and asked him to join them, “Shota, do you want to join? It’s super unfair that Takkie wins us every round!”
The rest of the evening was then spent playing UNO. The dorm was nothing but silent when they played.
Soul made sure to cover the cuts for a few weeks, but when they were scabbed enough to not disgust himself, he wore a T-shirt and long shorts. It was early in the morning, but the dorm was like a sauna. They had talked about the marks a few times as a group, and came to the conclusion that he would cover them at concerts and outside of the dorm, but inside it didn’t matter.
“Morning Shota!” Keeho greeted the sleepy alien in the kitchen and poured himself a glass of juice.
Soul smiled at Keeho and replied, "Good morning Keeho! And thank you!"